I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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