there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
