dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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