That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
