She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
