she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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