Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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