We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
