eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
