Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
