I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
