I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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