Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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