I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
