ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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