Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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