My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
