life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
