Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
