Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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