I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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