Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
