Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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