I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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