how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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