when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
