He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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