I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
