Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
