theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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