I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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