I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Farmville is her only friend.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
