Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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