Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
