Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
