I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
