my phone needs a breathalizer
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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