ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you win again, gameday.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
