You made me cry and you don't even care
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
