Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
