things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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