You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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