I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize