i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
