youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
