I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
