Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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