good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
