my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
