he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
