just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
