It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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