I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
