we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
