Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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