drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
