I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
