im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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