I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
