I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
