I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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