maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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