We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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